


somehow the bruises changed my plans

by emilia_kaisa



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Complicated Relationships, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Not Beta Read, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rivalry, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2020-10-06 12:36:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20507114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: Yuzuru had only one dream, since he had been a little boy- to be an Olympic champion, to make his people proud, and to fulfill the promise he once made to himself. And the moment he stepped on the ice in Sochi, he believed with all his heart that he would make it.But then, the dream crumbled, and his world fell apart.He had to learn how to pick up all the pieces of his shattered soul, how to believe in himself again, and he had to figure out his feeling for the man who had taken that gold from him.(aka a fic in which Javi wins Sochi Olympics, and nothing is really the same. Or is it?)





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [KitsuneVen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KitsuneVen/gifts).

> The idea for this fic came from one of my beautiful friends and I immediately knew I needed to write it! It will be pretty long, so I hope you're all ready for another ride (and if you worry about my other wips, I'm working on them, but the muse is a fickle thing huh).  
Title from 'Silent storm' by Carl Espen.  
I hope you enjoy!

Javi moved a little in his sleep, a small frown appearing on his face as if he was dreaming about something unpleasant, but after a moment he sighed deeply, his expression smooth and relaxed again.

Yuzuru smiled to himself and turned his face away, looking at the clouds spreading behind a small window, white and fluffy like balls of cotton. Somewhere there, beyond the wide blue ocean, was Sochi, and there was Yuzuru’s destiny, waiting for him, written with golden letters.

It had to be his, that olympic gold, and he was absolutely sure that it was right, that it was going to happen. It had been singing to him for years, daring for him to come closer, come and get me, and Yuzuru answered to that call, his blood circling in a rhythm of excitement and determination.

It was always like that for him, since he had put on skates for the first time in his life. He wasn’t that kind of person who would be pleased with the second best, with anything less than the absolute top. He was working so hard, putting everything aside, and he knew that he was ready, to fulfill that dream. He had things to prove, to himself, to his countrymen, to the entire world. It was his goal, but he knew he wouldn’t stop after that. It would be only a step on his path to become the greatest skater in the history of that sport-

Javi snored quietly, another sigh escaping his lips as he shifted again, his head falling to his chest in a position that would make his neck sore after a couple of minutes. But Javi didn’t know that yet, deep in a blissful slumber, and Yuzuru felt his chest filling with something warm and soft and familiar.

Javi. One of the reasons Yuzuru had come to Canada. Javi, kind and talented and hardworking. Javi, Yuzuru’s teammate, his-

Yuzuru chewed on his bottom lip, wondering. He didn’t think a lot about that, about labeling the relationship him and Javi had, and he couldn’t even find a name for it, neither in Japanese or his limited English. It was like… friendship, but with them not necessarily being friends. There was so much warmth between them, so much respect and encouragement, but something was lacking, a deeper connection, full mutual understanding. They didn’t have that, maybe not yet, but Yuzuru didn’t mind. Somehow they were managing to keep the perfect balance, something distant but warm and so, so crucial.

“Hey.” Yuzuru muttered, touching Javi’s shoulder gently “Javi, wake up.”

Javi inhaled sharply, raising his head so fast he almost snapped his neck, and he blinked rapidly, blurry and confused.

“Bad position.” Yuzuru explained, dropping his chin for a moment to demonstrate “Will hurt later.”

Javi stared at him blankly for a moment before he brightened up with a wide smile.

“Thanks, Yuzu.” he said, bringing his hand to his mouth, hiding a yawn “Uhh, sorry.”

Yuzuru just smiled, shaking his head a little.

Javi looked a bit tired, since the beginning of the season. Or maybe it was because of his haircut, short hair making him look younger and thinner. He was claiming that the olympics weren’t stressing him out, but Yuzuru could tell it wasn’t entirely true. Javi was indeed more relaxed than Yuzuru; he was able to approach competitions with calmness and somehow he managed to ease Yuzuru’s tension too. Now, Yuzuru wondered what was going on inside Javi’s head, what he was trying to hide behind that dimmed smile. Maybe, in the end, he wasn’t as careless as he was trying to look. Maybe he didn’t dream about the gold, like Yuzuru, but there for sure was something he was hoping for.

And Yuzuru wished that maybe they would be able to share that podium too, make Brian proud, show everyone what they could do.

“Do I have something on my face?”

Yuzuru blinked rapidly and realized that he was staring at Javi with probably creepy expression, and he shrugged, smiling sheepishly.

“Sorry.”

“Nah.” Javi shook his head, lips curled in a smile “You just did that weird zoning out thing again.” he added, and then brought a hand to his lips, hiding a yawn “Well, time for me to get back to sleep, I hope my neck won’t break-”

“Oh, wait, wait.” Yuzuru said quickly, leaning down to open a bag that was lying on the floor next to his feet and quickly finding an item he was thinking about “Here.” he handed Javi a neck pillow and Javi brightened up, taking it eagerly.

“Thank you! I really should invest in one too.” he chuckled and Yuzuru just shook his head, smiling as he watched Javi get settled and falling asleep in a span of the next five minutes. He felt a warm spark igniting in his chest, small and bright; it was a feeling that would appear from time to time, in quiet moments like that or when they hugged. Yuzuru wasn’t really sure what it was, but he wasn’t losing sleep over it. He wasn’t too much of a feelings guy, but he had a lot of sympathy for Javi, and as he watched him sleeping, he prayed silently for the fate to be kind to the both of them.


	2. head to toes

The olympic rink in Sochi was really pretty, and Yuzuru liked it. He liked all his memories linked to it, from that grand prix final some time before, and he liked the colour, nice blue that was kind of fitting with his short program outfit. He liked the atmosphere, and he liked the sound his blades were making on the ice, clean and crisp. 

Yuzuru smiled to himself and looked up, only to catch the sight of Javi skating slowly on the other side of the rink, his moves matching Yuzuru's in that special rhythm that was imprinted somewhere deep inside them. 

Yuzuru was pretty calm and focused, but he could also feel that trembling energy igniting in his chest, right next to his heart; because there he was, and he was ready, ready to show the world who he was and to take what he believed was his. The olympic gold, present in his dreams for so many years. So close, just two skates away. 

“The colour of the rink matches your Parisienne shirt.” Javi teased when he skated towards Yuzuru, joining him in the lazy stroking “Admit it, it was your plan all along.”

“Maybe.” Yuzuru said, sticking his tongue at him, and Javi laughed, elbowing him lightly. 

It was nice, to still be able to laugh with Javi, despite the competition being so close. It still was something that Yuzuru was getting used to. To the lack of distance, to open smiles, to the way Javi would touch his neck in the softest of gestures. Yuzuru was feeling… he was feeling safe with him, in every situation, during both competition and training, and during long flights to the other side of the world. And once again Yuzuru thought that he would love for Javi to stand next to him on the podium, so they could share happiness and glory together. 

“Why are you smiling so widely, huh?”

Yuzuru blinked quickly, and realized that he was probably grinning like an idiot now, and he shrugged. 

“Just thinking.”

“Eloquent.” Javi chuckled, shaking his head a little “Probably thinking about gold, huh?”

His tone was light and easy, and Yuzuru almost laughed too, because Javi seemed to know him so well, sometimes. 

“Maybe.” Yuzuru decided to say “And silver. For you.”

He knew that with Javi he could allow himself to say something like that, because Javi would only laugh once again and ruffle Yuzuru’s hair without taking an offence in his words. That was one of the things Yuzuru liked about him so much, that Javi was so understanding and patient and warm with him, despite his still sharp edges and less than ideal English. And Yuzuru guessed that Javi somehow taught him how to be more understanding too, how to accept smiles and kind words without any suspicion, and how to hug someone without instantly wanting to escape. 

Javi was kind and warm, and talented and hardworking, and he deserved to get recognized for that. 

It would be an honor, Yuzuru thought as he watched Javi walking over to Brian, talking about something excitedly, I hope we’ll both do our best.

* * *

Nothing had ever felt better. 

Yuzuru felt like giggling, walking through the corridors on the backstage of the rink. His blood was buzzing, filling his veins with some hot energy, spreading to every cell of his body. 

A world record. 

He bit his lower lip, trying not to burst into laughing and somehow managing to keep his expression collected and focused. But inside, everything inside him was trembling with happiness and excitement. 

He was so damn close now, he was halfway there, just one more program skated as good as he knew he was able too, and, and-

“Hey, congrats!” Javi exclaimed the moment Yuzuru stepped into the locker room “You did awesome, I was watching you from here-”

“Thank you.” Yuzuru nodded, feeling pleasantly warm and happy “You did good, too.” he offered. He hadn’t seen Javi skate, but Brian told him he was in third, and by the wide smile on Javi’s face, Yuzuru could tell that he was pretty happy too. 

“Thanks.” Javi chuckled, moving a little bit so Yuzuru could sit down next to him, sighing quietly with relief “But I will still fight you in the free, you know.” Javi teased and Yuzuru grinned at him.

“Can try.” he said, rolling his eyes, and Javi’s smile softened as he shook his head again.

“I’ll be happy with anything.” he said, quiet, more serious than before, and Yuzuru felt his own smile dimming too. Once again he could see that weird shadow in Javi’s eyes, and once again he wondered how badly he wanted a medal, no matter what color. Yuzuru knew how it felt, to be under pressure so heavy he almost couldn’t breathe, and he wondered if maybe Javi was also drowning under weight of it, despite skating not being so popular in his home country. Or maybe it was just important to him, as much as it was important to Yuzuru. Maybe Javi had also made a promise to himself, and now was trying to fulfill it. 

"Good luck in free, Javi." Yuzuru said, and Javi flinched, looking like a man just woken up from a dream, and then he smiled, bright and honest. 

"You too, Yuzu." he said, flicking Yuzuru's nose "And may the best one win." 

* * *

Some nights, Yuzuru had that dream. 

He was standing on an empty rink, the lights so bright he almost couldn't see, tears filling his eyes. He was wearing a costume, a very pretty one, white and gold, but his skates were old and used. There was some music playing, a melody Yuzuru couldn't recognize, loud and deafening, resonating in a completely empty arena. Yuzuru knew he should move, to skate despite being all alone, but he couldn’t move, his blades like glued to the ice. 

And then, the smooth surface beneath him started to crack, thin dark lines growing deeper and deeper, and Yuzuru screamed, his voice drowning in the loud music, and then the ice opened under him and he was falling, falling into the darkness, cold and lonely and forgotten, waking up with his heart beating loudly and tears streaming down his face. 

_It's just a dream. You're okay, it's just a dream._

It was just a dream indeed. 

Until it wasn't. 


	3. flesh and bones

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, this story lives! I'm in constant "i want angst" mood so this fic was just asking to be updated :p

"Yuzu, please." Mao asked softly, reaching across the table to touch his shoulder "Please, eat something?"

Yuzuru swallowed hard, not looking away from the plate in front of him. He hadn't picked that, he didn't want to eat, but Kanako put the food in front of him and now was sitting by his side, her gaze on him worried.

He hated that, those glances full of worry and pity, and he felt terrible with that. No one showed any disappointment with him, and that only was making him want to scream, because how could they act so calmly, as if nothing had happened? He failed, and let everyone down, why no one addressed that?

He inhaled sharply, his nose filling with scent of food, and he felt a wave of nausea raising from his stomach to his throat, but he hadn't eaten in so long he knew he wouldn't get sick. He wasn't hungry, even, and he just wanted to go back to his room, sleep, and pretend that he didn't have to decide what to do with his life after that.

The only people he had truly talked with were Brian and his mother, both of them supportive and trying to make him feel better, but there was absolutely nothing in the world that could cheer him up.

He had lost.

He had lost his dream, not only about gold, but he wasn't even given a consolation prize in another color, something that wouldn't satisfy him but maybe wouldn't taste as bitter.

But there he was, left with nothing, as three other skaters were celebrating.

"Yuzu-"

"I'm sorry." he choked out, standing up "I need to go."

They tried to stop him, asked him to stay, and Yuzuru knew it was because they cared about him so much, but he just couldn't. He ran to his room and threw himself on the bed, his body shaking as his muscles spasmed painfully, and he couldn't catch a breath, ugly wheezing escaping his open mouth. He was exhausted and in pain, and his mind decided to torture him even more, showing him pictures of the gold medal, the one that should have been Yuzuru's, hanging from Javi's neck.

Yuzuru whined and hid his face in the pillow, and he couldn't cry anymore but his throat still was still clenching, his skin feeling hot and lips dry like sandpaper.

It wasn't supposed to happen like that. They were supposed to medal together, make Brian proud and prove to the world how good of the team they were. But Yuzuru had failed, and Javi outskated them all, and now he was the one basking in the glory, with Patrick and Denis by his side. And Yuzuru hated himself for being jealous, for still imagining obsessively what he would give, to turn back time. Javi deserved great success, nobody knew it better than Yuzuru, but in the moment of pain and despair, Yuzuru couldn't force himself to feel more than just one warm spark of fondness towards his training mate.

Javi had found him after the flower ceremony, his expression painted with utter shock, and he didn't say anything, just pulled Yuzuru into a hug and held him for much longer Yuzuru could stand, because even Javi's arms around him couldn't prevent him from falling apart into a million pieces.

It had been three days earlier, and Yuzuru didn't see Javi since them, and didn't answer any of his texts. He wasn't in a right headspace to do that, and he didn't want to be mean or rude to Javi, who didn't deserve to suffer from Yuzuru's terrible mood. He was probably still overwhelmed, a newly crowned Spanish hero, and Yuzuru didn't want to ruin that.

The itching in his throat became unbearable so Yuzuru forced his heavy body to move, and he sat up, reaching for a water bottle standing on the bedside table. He drank greedily and took a few calming breaths before dragging himself to the bathroom. He wondered when his roommate would come back, and he decided that he had to get a bit of a grip. Reruhi was really nice and after making sure Yuzuru was okay he would leave him to grieve alone, but he couldn't stay out of the room all the time.

He spent solid twenty minutes standing under a hot stream until his skin was red and sensitive, and he put on some fresh clothes, vaguely hoping that it would make him feel better. It still hurt, to breathe, to be, but he decided that at least he could try. He got back to bed and grabbed his phone, ignoring all the notifications about new messages, except the one from his mom. She was insisting on meeting for a dinner later and Yuzuru winced, stomach churning, but he agreed, he couldn't really turn that down.

He almost opened the browser, but he stopped himself in the last moment, torn between wanting to know what people were saying and being terrified of that. People were cruel, especially when safely hidden behind anonymous computer screens, and Yuzuru knew it would only make him feel better, and he had to be in a decent shape if he was going to see his mom. He knew how worried she was, and she didn't deserve more burden.

Staring at the ceiling, Yuzuru wondered if people were happy about Javi's victory. They had to be, right? It was something that would go down in the history books, and Yuzuru hoped that people could appreciate it. Javi hadn't been painted as a gold medal contender before the olympics, media predicting it would be a fight between Yuzuru and Patrick and giving Javi a little shot for the bronze. They must be thrilled with how things had turned out, so much dramatic twists and surprises.

He stayed in the bed as long as he could, and then changed into his clothes and left, letting navigation guide him to the restaurant his mom picked. It was really warm, so he put on his baseball cap and sunglasses, and after a few minutes of walking he found out it seemed to be a perfect disguise, because no one even spared a second glance at him. It wasn't far and after a short walk he was standing in front of a cosy looking restaurant that didn't seem to be too packed, which he was grateful for. He still wasn't hungry, but a bit of exercise made him feel a bit better, and he was looking forward to see his mom.

She welcomed him with a warm hug and touched his cheek tenderly before sitting down.

"You look so pale." she said softly "Have you eaten?"

Yuzuru didn't answer and she sighed quietly.

"They for sure have something you will like."

An elegant waiter made his way to them, asking with heavy accented English if they would like their menus in Japanese, and Yumi nodded, smiling at him.

"Two in Japanese and two in English." she said and Yuzuru gasped, looking at her with wide eyes.

"What?" he asked and she sighed again, shaking her head.

"I thought it would be good, to you and to everyone."

He wanted to oppose, but in that moment the door opened and Yuzuru saw Brian walking in, followed by a familiar silhouette wearing team Spain jacket, and Yuzuru's heart was suddenly in his throat. He could only watch as they made their way closer, exchanging greetings and then sitting down. Brian sat next to Yuzuru while Javi was next to Yumi, his eyes immediately darting to Yuzuru.

Javi looked good, even though there were shadows under his eyes, probably after some sleepless nights filled with excitement and partying. When he caught Yuzuru's gaze he smiled, a little bit shy, and Yuzuru immediately looked down, his stomach flipping.

Brian and Yumi took the weight of conversation, with Javi chiming in from time to time, talking about everything beside skating. It seemed like they had agreed to go with some plan and Yuzuru couldn't help but feel a little betrayed, and maybe a bit annoyed. He didn't like being tricked like that, so he wasn't taking part in the conversation, speaking out only when directly asked. It was awkward and Yuzuru didn't enjoy it, but he forced himself to eat a little, knowing that they all were watching him.

"So, Yuzu." Brian said when they finished eating and ordered some tea for everyone "Do you know if you will be going to Japan or straight back to Toronto? You don't have to decide now, but we will have to make some plans soon."

"I-" Yuzuru swallowed hard, glancing at his mom who nodded at him "I think Toronto. Have to... think about worlds." he added weakly and Brian smiled at him softly.

"Okay, we will work for that then. You see, Javi, you should learn quick decision-making." he teased, making Javi chuckle, but Yuzuru stiffened, alarmed.

"You don't go for worlds?" he asked, for the first time that day looking Javi in the eyes, and Javi shrugged, giving him a half-smile.

"I don't know. I need to go to Spain, and then... I will see."

Yuzuru nodded silently, thinking that Javi was probably tired after the whole season, terrible grand prix season and never-ending boots problems. He deserved to go back and make the best of all the attention he could get, but suddenly thinking about going to worlds without Javi seemed kind of wrong.

"Okay." Yuzuru said plainly and Javi's smile dimmed, as if he was hoping to keep the conversation going, and Yuzuru felt a sudden urge to make an effort.

"Gala practice at ten, yes?" he asked and Javi nodded "I am curious about choreo."

"It will be too complicated for me, probably." Javi laughed and Yuzuru managed to give him a smile.

Things weren't better for now, but all he could do was to try and push forward.

* * *

  
  


During the gala, he managed to forget. For a few blissful minutes there was only him and the ice, music filling his ears and flowing in his blood, his body moving on its own. There was no falls and no scores, and when he stood there, in the spotlight and in front of the cheering crowd, everything felt almost okay.

But then the adrenaline dropped and he felt tired and numb, and he barely got through the ending sequence and then hid in one of the shower stalls, with strong decision to be the last one to leave. He didn't want to see anyone, so he just stood in the warm stream, absently listening to the conversations flowing above his head, not really paying attention until he hear a familiar name.

"Man, Fernandez got so lucky he managed to snatch the gold in that trainwreck, dude was born under a lucky star-"

"Yeah, if the others didn't flop so bad he would never..."

Yuzuru couldn't recognize the voices, heavy accented voices echoing in the bathroom, and he felt his stomach twisting and for the first time in a few days he felt something beside misery- he felt anger, hot and burning.

Right after the free skate he had had that ugly moment too, a poisonous voice in his head whispering that Javi was just lucky. But then he felt ashamed with himself, because for the past two years they had been training side by side, and Yuzuru knew better than anyone else that luck had nothing to do with that, only hard work.

The guys exchanged a few more words before finally leaving and Yuzuru let out a deep breath, trying to calm his heartbeat down. He dried himself and put on his clothes, and then suddenly he heard someone moving, and he froze, surprised. Slowly, he left his stall and at the same time another shower curtain moved, and Yuzuru saw Javi, with a slight grimace on his face and his shirt clinging to his skin.

They looked at each other for a moment, silent, and then Yuzuru's body moved on its own; he surged forward and wrapped his arms around Javi, hugging him tight. Javi exhaled deeply, returning the embrace, and Yuzuru realized that he had missed that so much during the past days, warm safety of Javi's arms.

"I'm sorry." Javi whispered, his voice hoarse, and Yuzuru closed his eyes, pressing his face to Javi's neck.

"I am." he said "You deserve it. I wanted the gold, but you-" he didn't finish, and Javi didn't say anything either, his breath fanning over Yuzuru's ear.

Yuzuru didn't know what he felt, and what was going to happen. He didn't know how it was going to influence him and his training with Javi, his entire career.

For now, he just knew he didn't want to let go.


	4. should feel whole

Javi didn't come back to Toronto, and Yuzuru understood. 

"He has his five minutes now and wants to make the best of it. And he had an intense season, you know." Brian explained and Yuzuru nodded, letting a corner of his mouth twitch with acknowledgment. 

"Okay." he nodded simply "Come back to jump now?" 

"I don't know, it was a long session." Brian hummed with doubt, but sighed when Yuzuru brought his best pleading expression "Okay, but not too much. Ten minutes, then cooling off."

"Good." 

He skated away, going around the rink and launching himself into a quad and feeling his stomach drop when he popped it into a double with a wobbly, ugly landing. He inhaled sharply through his nose, keeping his head down and feeling blush burning his cheeks. He was glad that beside him there were only two people and Brian, because that was kind of embarrassing. And he was kind of glad that Javi wasn't there either, because then it would have been straight up humiliating. 

There were less than two weeks left till world championships, and Yuzuru was desperately trying to focus on that. Maybe it was a good thing, that Javi wasn't there, so it was a bit easier to not to dwell on that, not to obsess, at least during training. Because at nights, in the evenings spent in the loneliness of his bedroom, in every moment he let his focus wander, his mind would go back to Sochi and to the bitter taste of defeat rising in his chest and going up his throat, awful and suffocating. 

His mom and agent were making sure to keep him away from media and all the noise still lingering in the air after the Olympics. He tried not to pay attention to that, but sometimes they still got to him somehow, comments about him, about Javi, conspiracy theories about the past and speculations about future. 

Yuzuru shook his head, annoyed that he was wasting precious time on some unproductive thinking. He clapped shortly, encouraging himself before gaining some speed and throwing himself into the air again. 

He rotated it fully that time, but he slipped on the landing and fell on his back, hitting his head and groaning with pain and surprise. 

"Yuzu, you're okay? I think we're done for today-"

Yuzuru didn't even have energy to protest; he got up slowly and skated to Brian, nodding at him before moving to take his skates off. 

"All good?" Brian asked with warm concern and Yuzuru shrugged, busy looking down at his boots, his fingers stiff and not cooperating. He felt hot swirl of frustration forming inside him and he tried his best not to let it bubble to the surface. 

Yuzuru knew that Brian cared, and that he was worried, and it was something Yuzuru appreciated, but also it was making him a little uneasy. He wasn’t always sure how to respond to that, to Brian’s patience and kindness, and as he kept on staring at his boots, he couldn’t help but think that it applied to Javi too. Javi had been the first to rope Yuzuru in a conversation during those first days and all the following ones, and even now Yuzuru still wasn’t sure how to deal with it, sometimes. 

“Just tired.” Yuzuru said, standing up, giving Brian a small smile “See you tomorrow!”

“Have a good rest.” 

Brian’s smile was honest and full of care, but Yuzuru’s stomach still clenched painfully, and he clutched his boots in his hands, feeling weirdly vulnerable while standing barefoot on the carpeted floor. 

The locker room was painfully empty, and as Yuzuru slowly changed into his clothes, he faintly realized that he had never felt such loneliness before, and the thought made his throat clench, that terrible, suffocating feeling that brought tears to his eyes. 

And as he fumbled with the buttons of his shirt, he was suddenly strikes with how much he missed Javi, how his absence was a physical pain in Yuzuru’s chest. It was complicated, that mix of feelings he felt for Javi. There was still so much pain and disappointment about his own result that it was clouding all the pride and happiness he felt about Javi's achievement. But despite all of that, Yuzuru missed him. He missed Javi's easy smile and patience, and the way his presence was pushing Yuzuru forward. And maybe it still hurt, but at the same time Yuzuru knew that if he wanted to show the world what he was truly worth, he needed Javi by his side. 

* * *

With none of the Sochi medalists going to Saitama, Yuzuru knew that he was a clear favorite. He didn't think he was being cocky, he just knew what he was capable of. That was part of the reason it hurt so awfully, because he was so much better than what he had shown. His plan was simple- win, climb to the top and stay there for as long as he can, for the next four years until he would claim his gold. 

Surprisingly, the reporters he met after leaving first practice seemed to be sharing the thought, because in their questions they avoided mentioning the past and focused on the future and his plans. It went smooth, so when Yuzuru came back to his hotel room, his mood was pretty decent. Well, he was a bit jet lagged and tired, but quad sal had been cooperating during practice and he was kind of pleased with himself. He showered and got back to bed, reaching for his laptop. He intended only to check his emails and read something about biology for relax, but in a moment of temporary insanity he decided to check Twitter too, and the first thing he saw made his heart stop. 

He swallowed hard, his heartbeat quickening now, and he clicked the link that led him to an interview, the title making Yuzuru's stomach flip with anxiety. 

_ Olympic champion ready for new challenges _

The first few questions were regular asks about Olympics, about preparations and emotions, and Yuzuru skimmed over them quickly, finger tapping the touchpad nervously until his eyes caught the question he himself wanted to know the answer to.

**I: You’ve reached something every athlete is working for. What’s your goal now and how are you going to keep yourself motivated, since the biggest prize is already in your pocket?**

JF: To be honest, I’m still not sure what’s going to happen, I haven’t exactly decided what I want to do now. It’s still a bit surreal, and a part of me just, wants to stay in Spain and enjoy (laughter). For now I’m just really happy that skating gets so much attention in my country, we’re making some great plans how to help the sport.

**I: Alexei Yagudin was your age when he retired, also after winning an olympic gold, are you considering following that path?**

JF: I… (a moment of hesitation) Well, like I said, I haven’t made any decision yet, I’m going week by week for now. I love skating, and I’ve been competing for a long time already, but I left Spain when I was seventeen and I would lie if I said coming back home isn’t tempting (laughter) I’m not saying anything yet, though, I have to give it all a good thought.

**I: We’re all be waiting for that! Javi, you decided not to compete in world championships. With your absence- absence of all three medalists- it seems that Yuzuru Hanyu, your teammate, is main contender for the gold.**

JF: Yuzu is always a contender to a medal, to win. He’s the biggest fighter I know and I’m sure he’ll do great. He’s always giving one hundred percent of himself. 

**I: Before the olympics most predicted that he would claim the victory, but after an error riddled free skate he fell to the fourth place while you took gold. Did it influence your partnership in any way?**

JF: (sigh) Well first thing, it’s how the sport is. Sometimes it’s just not our day, no matter how hard we try and how hard we work, and we can’t let that one competition define us, you know? And training together, competing against each other, we’re used to that, once he wins, once me, it’s something we both know. Of course he was upset about his result, but I know he is happy for me. He’s a really nice person.

**I: Are you planning on watching the championships?**

JF: I will try, if my schedule allows it (laughter).

There were some more questions but Yuzuru couldn’t read them, closing his laptop abruptly and jumping out of the bed. He ran to the bathroom and bent over the sink, breathing deeply through his mouth and feeling like he was going to throw up, stomach churning and acid rising in his throat. He managed to calm himself down after a moment, and he splashed his face with cold water before looking into the mirror, meeting his own wide, dark eyes. He had never thought there was a possibility of Javi retiring but that interview made him realize that it was an option, something Javi was clearly considering, and Yuzuru had no idea what to do with that.

Javi couldn’t retire. He was supposed to keep on training in Toronto, to compete, and they were supposed to stand on so many podiums together. It wasn’t fair, retiring right after beating Yuzuru and not giving him a chance for a come back. Yuzuru didn’t want an easy way, he didn’t want Javi out of the way. It was selfish of Javi to end his career now, and it was selfish of Yuzuru to be angry about it, and he felt sick again. 

Slowly, he dragged himself to the bed and curled under the covers. He was exhausted and wanted to cry, and he didn’t think there was anyone in the world who would understand. 

* * *

He managed to push it out of his head, somehow. 

It was good to know that if he tried really hard, he could focus on what was the most important, and the need to prove himself was stronger than anything else. And it paid off, because after two almost perfect programs he was clutching a gold medal in his hands, and delighted cheering of the crowd sent a pleasant thrill down his spine. For a moment everything was right, and it dawned on him that he was a world champion, that it was something no one could take away from him. 

“Really good job.” Brian said once again when they met backstage after the ceremony and Yuzuru nodded, and handed him his bouquet.

“Thank you.” he said and Brian chuckled fondly, taking the flowers and reaching to touch Yuzuru’s shoulder. 

“I’m proud of you.” he said softly and Yuzuru suddenly felt very tired and very sad, adrenaline dropping and making his mood dim.

“Hey, what’s that expression about?” Brian asked, noticing the change, and Yuzuru looked down, swallowing hard as he formed a question in his head.

“Javi talked to you?”

“About what?”

“If he comes back.” Yuzuru mumbled, looking back at Brian whose gaze was gentle and full of understanding.

“He hasn’t told me anything. Don’t worry about it, okay?”

“I worry.” Yuzuru said, feeling like every bone in his body was starting to burn in a dull ache “I need him.”

It was simple like that. He had came to Canada to learn not only from Brian, but also from Javi. He needed his presence to guide him, and he needed the urge to beat Javi to push him forward. 

"You will be okay." Brian said, because of course he had to say something like that, and Yuzuru suppressed a tired sigh "Now go and celebrate, okay?" 

The only celebration Yuzuru treated himself to was going for late dinner with his family in a little restaurant that provided them much needed privacy, and then came back to his room. He lie down on his back, stretching his tired limbs, and he let his eyes close. It hit him then, the realization that the season was over, finally, and that thought was weirdly relieving. He wasn't done with responsibilities, he had a talk with his federation planned soon, and he had to think about the strategy for the next season, for the next four years. 

And he would have to talk to Javi during the shows in just a few weeks, and ask him about his plans. 

But now, Yuzuru let himself breathe, and think about the fact that he was a world champion, the title resonating bittersweet inside his head and carrying him to sleep. 


	5. but the void

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there! I've been on a little vacation that is slowly coming to an end, and I wasn't planning to write too much, but then I got a moment of inspiration and one precious soul let me borrow her computer so here it is! I realized how much I like working on this story, I hope you're enjoying reading it too!

Yuzuru always liked summer shows. That was the best way for him to relax, to do something fun but still be on the ice, still keep in motion, carrying on with his training in a way. At that point of his life and career he didn't even remember how it was to go for a real vacation, although there was a picture on one of the living room walls showing the whole family on a beach, Yuzuru occupied with building a sand castle. That was unimaginable now, going for a trip like that, and Yuzuru didn't even crave that, not now, not when he had to throw all his force into working the best he could through the next olympic circle so in four years there would be no slip-ups and doubts. It still hurt, and he knew himself good enough to realize that the wound in his heart and pride would never be fully healed, but he also knew that he couldn't let anything stop him.

He was just putting his skates to a suitcase when someone knocked at the door frame gently and when he spun around he saw Saya smiling at him gently, expression radiating with some soft warmth.

"You need help?" she asked teasingly, bringing up an old joke, and Yuzuru smiled, shaking his head.

"I'm managing."

"Barely." Saya snorted, stepping closer "You're taking something nice with you, right?"

"I have my costumes-"

"Oh you know what I mean." she sighed, quickly looking through what he had already packed and then moving to open his wardrobe "Something you can wear on a dinner with the cast, or when you go out."

"I don't go out."

"Maybe you will."

"Maybe I won't."

"Yuzu-"

"Saya."

"Are you okay?" she asked, suddenly serious, and Yuzuru winced a little, because he didn't want to go through all of it all over again. Talks with his team, family, Saya- he knew it was all because they cared, but it was time to focus on the future, not his failed dream.

"I'm good. Can't wait to go back to the ice." he said and Saya smiled softly, seeming to be okay with that answer.

"Of course. Just remember-" she started, and Yuzuru knew she was going to repeat how proud everyone was and that he had done his best, and he didn't really want to hear that.

"I know. And I love you, so much, but I don't- just don't."

Saya's expression fell for a moment, but then she smiled again and stepped closer, putting her arms around Yuzuru and pulling him close.

"Sorry." she whispered, and Yuzuru felt bad for the fact that she felt like she had to apologize, but let it slide, comfort of her embrace soothing the emotions coiling inside him a little.

"Okay." he sighed after a few moments, pulling back "You have my permission to pick one going out outfit."

"But only if you promise to actually go out!"

"Well, that I-"

"Yuzu."

They both froze when they heard their mother's voice, a bit tight as if she was anxious, and when Yuzuru looked at her he saw a bit of doubt in her eyes.

"There is someone waiting for you in the living room. From the federation."

Yuzuru's stomach dropped, but he tried not to show how surprised he was, and how anxiety filled his veins in an instant. He thought that they made everything clear during meetings after the Olympics and worlds, but apparently he was wrong.

"Then I won't keep them waiting."

His guest turned out to be mr Yamada whom Yuzuru knew pretty well, so he relaxed a little when he saw a familiar face instead of some strange official. Yuzuru was hoping that it wasn’t going to be anything too important, but the polite yet stern smile on the man’s lips wasn’t too promising.

“Can I offer you something to drink?” Yuzuru asked after exchanging short greetings, and mr Yamada declined in the nicest way possible.

“I hope I don’t intterupt.” the older man asked as they sat down “But there’s a matter we’d like you to… consider.”

Something in his tone wasn’t right, and Yuzuru almost squirmed nervously, but managed to contain himself, trying not to show any sign of anxiety.

“Of course.” he nodded, glad that his voice didn’t falter “How can I help?”

Mr Yamada looked at him, a flash of uncertainity in his eyes, before he cleared his throat and spoke again.

“In the light of the last season’s events, we’ve been wondering if maybe you would consider changing your training location.”

The suggestion sounded so ridiculous Yuzuru didn’t even know how to react to it, his brain instantly labelling it as some joke, absurd. He blinked, mouth falling open but no sound coming out, and Yamada took his chance to continue.

“After Sochi Olympics, some of the members started to question if you should continue training under mr Orser or maybe-“he hesitated for a short moment, looking mildly uncomfortable “Maybe in that case a change of environment would be welcome.” He finished, as diplomatic as possible, and Yuzuru finally understood that he wasn’t joking at all.

“Excuse me?” he asked, his voice pitchy, and Yamada shifted uncomfortably.

“Of course, we are very happy about the improvement and work you did with mr Orser.” He said, looking into Yuzuru’s eyes and then shifting his gaze somewhere near the top of his head “We’re just not sure if working on the same ice with such a big rival is a right… direction.”

Until that moment Yuzuru was feeling kind of numb, too surprised to really say anything, but that last sentence made him snap back to reality.

“With all due respect, but I have no intention of considering such a thing.” He said as politely as he could, but his voice wavered a little at the end, his tone lower than before.

“We-“

“No.” Yuzuru shook his head firmly “This is the only direction I intend on following. There’s no possibility of any changes.” He said, and his stomach clenched painfully as he remembered that interview with Javi, Brian’s calming smile and a big, terrifying question of what was going to happen now.

“I understand.” Mr Yamada said, and the hint of smile on his lips looked genuine “But I hope you understand the reasons for our concern as well.”

“Winning world championships is a reason for concern?” Yuzuru asked coldly, although everything inside him screamed with pain as the wound from the months before throbbed again, his chest aching.

“Of course, we’re delighted about it, but-“ Yamada had enough decency to stop, the look he sent Yuzuru apologetic, and if Yuzuru was in the better head space, he would have felt sorry for the man, for having to be a carrier of such words.

“Please, be so kind and share my decision with the federation.” Yuzuru said, standing up abruptly, not having enough strength and patience to carry on with that conversation any longer “If there is some official meeting to be held in that matter, please let me know.”

Mr Yamada looked like he wanted to add something, but in the end, gave that idea up, bringing his stoic expression back before walking out. Alone, Yuzuru let out a shaky breath and forced himself to inhale slowly and deeply, trying to calm his pounding heartbeat. Yamada’s words were still ringing in his ears and Yuzuru shook a little at the mere thought of following that request. How could they even ask that of him, to leave Brian, his whole team, after barely two years? After all the work they had put?

Yuzuru swallowed hard, something bitter crawling in his throat as he recalled that one sentence, doubt shining in his eyes as he questioned if training alongside Javi was a good idea. At that, Yuzuru felt his blood quickening, circling with rage that someone even dared to name it a wrong idea. If anything, it was one of the things that Yuzuru knew would help him to keep going, to push himself harder. They needed to keep training together, because it was the only way Yuzuru could grow stronger. He had no doubt about it, and the anger seeped out of him in a second, replaced by the already familiar fear of Javi’s retirement.

His throat contracted, making it hard to breathe, and he opened his mouth, fighting for air.

In a few days, it would all be clear, and all Yuzuru could do was cling to the hope that everything was going to be okay.

* * *

First two days of the tour were always hectic and busy, with new people coming in and demanding hugs and small talks, with press wanting comments and organizers trying to make them remember choreography and stick to the schedule. It was kind of nice, helping Yuzuru to get occupied, but his mind was still running nervously, trying to find the opportunity to talk to Javi in private. But Javi was busier than ever, with everyone trying to get his attention, and he barely had time for a few sentences and a lingering hug in the dining room that felt like he was trying to hold on for dear life.

Yuzuru couldn’t help but notice that Javi didn’t seem like himself, not quite. He was used to the shadows under his eyes and hectic movements, but he worried when he saw how Javi’s smile was rather nervous than happy, and how jittery he was, fingers always moving, gripping the edge of the table on playing with the hem of his shirt anxiously. It was odd, and worrying, and it was making Yuzuru feel uneasy, because it wasn’t right” Where did his happy, bright teammate go? Was the weight of the Olympic gold so terribly heavy?

It was stirring inside him, the questions, doubts, his own anxiety, and finally, after coming to the hotel after a successful show, he shoved his own key to one of his pockets and followed Javi who was heading for the elevators, steps so quick he was almost running.

“Hi!” he panted, squeezing into the elevator at the last moment, making Javi jump “Can I?”

“Sure.” Javi said, and when he smiled at Yuzuru, it was as warm and kind as always, just so incredibly tired Yuzuru felt almost sad “Which floor?”

“Mh, actually-“ Yuzuru swallowed before looking at Javi bravely “Can we talk?”

Javi narrowed his eyes, not expecting a request like that and clearly not sure what to do with that at first, but then he cleared his throat and nodded.

“Of course we can. Is everything alright?”

“Yes. No.” Yuzuru mumbled, biting his lower lip “You tell me.”

Javi blinked rapidly, opening his mouth, and then the elevator stopped and he silently gestured at Yuzuru to follow him. As they walked to his room, Yuzuru watched the tense line of his back and shoulders and once again rehearsed what he was going to say, hoping his tongue wouldn’t fail him. It was way too important, and he couldn’t screw it up.

Javi let him inside his room, and Yuzuru shivered a little, not expecting the windows to be wide open and letting in blows of chilly night air. He shook his head when Javi offered him something to drink and after a moment of hesitation he sat down on the edge of Javi’s bed, fingers curling on his knees, clenching nervously.

“So, what’s up?” Javi asked, sitting down next to Yuzuru, making formidable attempts at sounding casual “Did something happen?”

“I need to ask something.” Yuzuru said, looking straight at him and taking a deep breath “Javi, do you want to retire?”

The words rolled off his tongue smoothly, but they left his throat dry and his heart pounding, and Javi looked at him, unmoved, and it scared Yuzuru that he didn’t seem surprised at all.

The silence stretched, and Yuzuru could feel the seconds passing as if they were a physical thing, measured by the painful pulsing in his temples.

“I think I might.”

Yuzuru shook his head, dizzy but determined, prepared for those words after hours of imagining the worst.

“No.”

“Yuzu-“ Javi sighed, and if Yuzuru could hear properly, he would sense the hurt and exhaustion in his voice, but the only thing he could hear clearly was his own heartbeat, quick and painful and telling him that he couldn’t allow that.

“You can’t do it. You just won.” He blabbered, turning properly and putting his hand on Javi’s knee, as if with that gesture he could stop Javi from retiring “And you’re so young, you-“

“Yuzu, please, stop.” Javi said quietly, and something in his voice made Yuzuru shut up, and he looked at him, he really looked at him, and he gasped when he saw how upset Javi looked, Yuzuru’s chest filling with guilt in an instant.

“Hey.” He murmured, bringing another hand to touch the tender, dark skin under Javi’s eye “Are you okay?”

That was how he should have started, wasn’t it?

“I know I should be.” Javi almost chuckled, but the sound was everything but happy “And I am, really, just… there are also other things, you know?”

Yuzuru didn’t know, so he just stared, silently asking him to continue.

“It’s just… a lot, still. So many things, I just-“ Javi sighed, his face twisting in odd, pained grimace Yuzuru had never seen on him before “I still get reminded on every occasion how no one thought I could win. How no one really wanted me to win, and what if it was just a-“ he didn’t finish, choosing to take a deep breath instead, and Yuzuru was grateful for that, for that little break they both needed.

“I’m sorry.” He said, honest and trembling “I’m so sorry, but you… I need you.”

It sounded pathetic even to him, and Javi chuckled again, but that time it was warm and genuine.

“You will do just good without me.” He said, reaching to brush Yuzuru’s cheek in a tender gesture Yuzuru had been missing so much “You could visit me in Spain some time off season.”

Yuzuru knew he was losing, and panic spread inside of him, hot and cold mixing inside of him, making his head spin his and heart break.

“You know my goal, for my whole life, was to win a gold medal at Olympics.” Yuzuru started, his voice faltering, starting to fail him now just like he had been fearing “And I can, could not do that now.”

It still hurt so much, he felt like his lips were about to bleed.

“Now I have four more years, to get it, to prove. And I need you, to do that.”

“You mean that you need to beat me.” Javi said without an ounce of venom or hostility. It was one of many wonderful things about him, that despite his own desire to win, he embraced the nature of the sport and all the outcomes with easy Yuzuru sometimes envied.

So with Javi, Yuzuru wasn’t afraid to admit that.

“I know that you are tired.” Yuzuru murmured, reaching absently for Javi’s hand and linking their fingers together “But we can be more. More than a four place. More than a lucky champion.”

Javi shivered a little but didn’t pull back; if anything, he leaned a little closer, and Yuzuru thought that it felt so right, their hands fitting together perfectly.

“It’s not fair, you know.” Javi sighed, and Yuzuru’s heart fluttered in fear “You won’t let me go, will you?”

His smile was kind, and Yuzuru felt harsh pang of guilt, aware if his selfishness yet not ready to get rid of it, not when he was sure his whole career and future were depending on it.

“I will think of it, okay?” Javi said softly and Yuzuru knew that it was everything he could ask of him.

“Okay.”

**Author's Note:**

> Like it? Hate it? Don't hesitate to share your thoughts in the comments, and thank you for reading!


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